Journal Entry #1

Journal Entry #1

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Sometimes I wonder where I’ll end up in ten years.  What my life will be, what I will be doing with myself, so on and so forth.

Everyone has dreams, something that they want to do or be.  Something that they feel will change a little piece of themselves, if not the world.  I’m still trying to find my dream and although sometimes

I feel like life can’t get any worse, that I won’t get anywhere, that I don’t have a dream, I try really hard to stay positive.

On the page before you wrote a set of rules and I will try my hardest to follow them.  Starting now.  I have not been 100% honest with you, for I felt that if I lied about it (covered it up) maybe you would help me.  For most people whom find out, they run away.

Harvey is a big part of life.  I lied to you the other day when you asked if he was my boyfriend.  He is more then that to me.  He is my life, for if not for hi, I would be dead in some alley out in San Francisco.  I don’t have anyone in this life whom has been there the way that he has.

You may choose to walk away after reading this but please know that my intent was not to deceive you.  People tell me all the time that they want to help me and then I never see or hear from them again.  And if I do, they seem to forget about the things they have said to me before.  That’s the reason I chose not to tell you about Harvey.  The second they find out I have a boyfriend, I never hear from them again, or if I do, it is always for them trying to convince me to let go of him, to leave him because I can do better, blah, blah, etc.

Please I have a feeling that if you stay in my life, you may actually help me, but also know that I will not trust you off the bat.  Most people whom want to help me do so for their own reasons.  Most of the time they have alternative motives behind those reasons.  I am not naive, I am not stupid, I can read people, I am good at feeling other’s validations.

If you choose to leave, to leave me behind, I will understand.  I will be sad for I think we can be good friends but I understand.

But if you choose to keep helping me, I will be as honest and straight forward as I can be. But I will not leave Harvey.  Everything I make is also his.  He is one of the few people that I trust my life with.  Again I am super sorry that I lied to you about him but he is a big part of my life and I his.

I am the only family he has.  He was adopted at birth with that family.  His parents were very old, they were as old as my grand parents.  He had to bury his parents (both of them_ the year before we met.  He was only 20 when both of them passed.  They went but a few months apart from each other, from old age and sickness.  He has no other family.

He has no cousins, no brothers, a sister, aunts, uncles, his god mother disappeared from his life not much after his parents.  He himself is disabled.  He has degenerate scoliosis.  He is already hunched over and he is only 25 years old.  The doctor say it will only get worse as the years go by and it does.

But though he has gone through so much, has suffered so much, loss at such a young age, he is one of the most positive people that I know.  He always has a smile when life seems so bad and he loves me.  We never anyone whom has all of me, has never wanted to change the person I am.  yes maybe we want to change our situation but that is different.  He doesn’t want to change me.  He just wants to better our lives and me also!

I apologize once again, I would really like for you to stay in my life for I think that we can both learn from each other.  But if you choose to move on, I will totally understand.

I didn’t mean any negative.  Just a part of me thought that so many people in my life have said they would help me but end up not when they find out that it is Harvey and I.

I am hoping (praying) that you will still help me (us).  But if you don’t want to then thank you so much for everything you have already done.  Hopefully you will still chose to be in my life.  If you do, please don’t judge me or Harvey.  Please don’t try to persuade me to leave him, for I will not.  If you cannot accept me and Harvey then I hope you have a wonderful life, but hopefully you can accept my apology.